Gottman Method Couples Therapy
Understanding the Gottman Method for Couples Therapy
The Gottman Method, created by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, is an approach to couple’s therapy with the goal of improving conflicting verbal communications, increasing respect, affection, and intimacy in couples, removing barriers of stagnant feelings or emotional distance, and finally, creating a sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the couple’s relationship.
This form of couple’s therapy was created based on decades of research (approximately 40 years), including the performance of hundreds of empirical and quantitative evidence-based studies with over 3000 couples in participation. For instance, Gottman was able to perform a total of seven studies that investigated the predictions of divorce. For example, in his 1922 study, he found that based on relational factors, he was able to predict which couples would eventually divorce with 93.6 percent accuracy.
With this, in his 40 years of research, Gottman was able to identify the elements it took to create long-lasting relationships as well as the elements that made short-lasting ones. He helps to portray these ideas through his Sound House Theory and his Four Horseman analogy.
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The Sound House Theory is Gottman’s metaphor for a secure marriage and relationship. Similar to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the house has nine essential elements, seven floors, and 2 walls, that make up a healthy relationship, each part relying on the next in order to achieve success and fulfillment as a couple.
Let’s start with the seven floors.
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This floor is all about getting to know your partner's inner psychological world including their history, worries, hopes, stresses, and joys. Ultimately, understanding everything about your partner on a deeper level of who they are. Some ways of creating and strengthening love maps include exercises involving question and answer processes. Some questions the Gottman Institute offers for this are stated below. These will help you develop a more detailed idea of your partner’s life and experiences. Write down any facts you know about your partner and add to the list with the answers your partner provides to the questions in order to continue building your love map.
Love Map Exercise Questions:
- Name your partner’s two closest friends.
- What was your partner wearing when you first met?
- Name one of your partner’s hobbies.
- What stresses your partner right now?
- Describe in detail what your partner did today or yesterday.
- What is your partner’s fondest unrealized dream?
- What is one of your partner’s greatest fears or disaster scenarios?
- What is my favorite way to spend an evening?
- What is one of your partner’s favorite ways to be soothed?
- Name a person your partner dislikes.
- What is your partner’s ideal job?
- What medical problems does your partner worry about?”
Want more questions to continue building your love map and promote intimacy? Check out this link. -
This floor is about learning to express a healthy balance of appreciation and respect with your partner in order to create a strengthened bond, acting as an antidote for feelings of contempt.
Some ways to increase shared fondness and admiration are listing the positive qualities of your partner, thinking of a specific incident for each stated quality; after drafting the list, share it with your partner and speak on it.
Furthermore, a good way to nurture your relationship is talking about your history together, for instance, how you met, first impressions you had, favorite memory, happiest moments, difficult times you have overcome together, and much more.
For more daily tools, refer to this “7-week Guide For Creating Fondness & Admiration”.
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This floor is about learning the signs and cues of your partner in order to understand their needs and know when they are seeking attention, affection, comfort, etc; these signs and cues are essentially known as bids. These bids can be demonstrated in simple or complex ways whether they take the shape of a smile or an approach for help.
On this floor, it is important to learn to recognize bids and turn towards your partner when a bid is demonstrated, giving them full attention. This is especially important because bids usually have an underlying meaning; to miss a bid is seen as the equivalent to turning away which can dramatically affect a relationship.
You do not necessarily need to accept the bid but acknowledging/engaging it whether through acceptance or rejection is better than ignoring it all together. To implement the clarity of bids in your relationship, you can simply state to your partner that you are making a bid for ‘X’.
Watch this short 3 minute video to learn more about Bids! -
The fourth floor focuses on viewing your partner in a positive light and understanding that errors are a matter of circumstance (not failures as individuals). This floor includes a positive approach to problem solving and repair attempts when faced with conflict; ultimately making the argument that the positive overrides the negative.
The key to this is paying attention to the ratio of positive to negative, Gottman describes this ratio to be 5:1 (5 positive to 1 negative).
Essentially, the negative can be more damaging, and thus you need (5) positive circumstances in order to override that (1) negative.
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The fifth floor is all about learning how to properly manage conflict. It is important to note that the goal of this step is not to resolve the conflict, but rather hold the ability and capacity to properly manage its presence in a relationship. This is because in a relationship conflict is a normal and natural occurrence that is in ways positive and functional to have in certain amounts within the relationship.
The management of conflict involves a three-step process:
1. Taking each other’s feelings into account and consideration
2. Learning to discuss problems in a healthy manner
3. Learn self-soothing techniques to keep control when conflict may be overwhelmingA good approach to this is learning beneficial communication; for instance, you can follow the chart below for a general idea of what to say and what not to say.
Do Not Say “Yes, but…”Say “Yes, and…”
Do Not Say “You always…”
Say “I am listening…tell me more…”
Do Not Say “What about when you....”
Say “The part I agree with is…”
Do Not Say “At least I am not...”
Say “I never thought of it that way…”
Do Not Say “You are overreacting…”
Say “I see what you are saying…”
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The sixth floor encompasses the necessity for support in a relationship. This is done by creating an atmosphere that encourages honesty and open communication, especially upon topics such as hopes, values, aspirations, and convictions. Through such communication, it is important that each partner supports the other’s goals and dreams.
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The final floor of the Sound House Theory mirrors that of the first: essentially understanding and uncovering the inner world, not of just one's individual partner in the relationship, but of the shared meanings for the couple as a whole. This includes their shared visions, narratives, myths, and metaphors about their relationship.
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The two walls that support the house and the relationship as a whole are Trust and Commitment, as they are what helps the couples work through the seven floors of the Sound Relationship House
Wall 1: Trust
This wall is fulfilled when couples believe they can rely on one another, acting in conjunction as a team. Ultimately, this state is in full effect when a person knows that their partner acts to maximize that person’s best interests and benefits rather than their own.
Wall 2: Commitment
The second wall is commitment. This is one of the most important and essential elements of the Sound Relationship House. In order for a relationship to work you must hold the belief that your partner is your lifelong person in your journey, acting on this belief by remaining committed to the primary goal of improving your relationship when difficulties arise.
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On the contrary to the Sound Relationship House, Gottman proposes another list of behaviors that he refers to as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in reference to those mentioned in the bible including conquest, war, hunger, and death. Gottman uses the Four Horsemen analogy to indicate poor communication styles and behaviors that destroy relationships, causing couples to separate.
His four horsemen include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
After each horseman, refer to the antidotes provided for both receivers and givers of the horsemen; these provide appropriate response phrases and behaviors.
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Criticism is the first of the Four Horseman. This involves the verbal attack on the personality or character of your partner. Gottman additionally refers to it as being a way of complaining that suggests your partner's personality is in some way defective.
To avoid criticizing your partner, it is important to resort to the use of “I” statements and express feelings and needs in a positive manner.
Antidotes:1. Aim in the criticization of behavior done by the individual rather than the person as a whole
2. Work to alter complaints into forms of request
3. Do not turn the situation into a personal one; stray from the “who is doing what to whom” and rather focus on the relationship as a whole, looking at what it needs from both parties. In the avoidance of pointing blame, you have more free time to focus on changes needed.
4. Self-reflect; look at what you have potentially contributed to the problem that you are feeling critical on, regardless of your partner's contribution.
5. Apologize when you have been critical. Even if you do not think you have been, remember that your words can be impactful on others who may experience it in a different way.
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In one of his speeches on “Making Marriage Work”, Gottman outlines the two most common ways of defensiveness in couples.
The first being righteous indignation, meaning one meets a complaint with a counter complaint.
The second being that one acts as the innocent victim with the goal of reversing blame. This is not constructive and rather one should attempt to accept your partner's perspective and either offer up an apology or work to solve the issue.
Antidotes:1. When feeling defensive, ask your partner to clarify what they mean by their statement or complaint. A way of doing this is to say, “I’m hearing you say that I am X. Can you clarify that?”
2. When your partner gets defensive, ask them what they think you said or mean in order to ensure they are not misunderstanding and ask if they have felt criticized. In this, you have the opportunity to rephrase or explain further. In doing this, ensure you respect your partner's feelings and show respect by actively listening to ensure they do not feel ignored (a typical reason why people get defensive).
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According to Gottman, disrespect and contempt are the number one predictors of divorce. This is where one assumes moral superiority within the relationship, talking down to their partner and treating them as if they are lesser in comparison through forms of mockery, ridicule, sarcasm, name calling, insult, and more.
To avoid such instances, it is important to remind yourself of the positive qualities of your partner and find gratitude in them.
Antidotes:
1. Name acts of disrespect or condescension when they appear in the relationship, and directly request it to stop.
2. To prevent acting contemptuously, use the sentence outline such as “I feel...and rather, I want…”. An example is “‘I feel contempt towards you, and I want to be able to respect and understand you’”.
3. Remember respect is given and not earned. If you do not respect someone, remind yourself that this is not because they are of lower value, but rather because you are in the moment unable to see their greatness or resource. Actions are more efficient and effective when under the grounds of respect.
4. End sarcasm, name-calling, cynicism, etc. Saying you're joking or that is the way you are does not make it okay and therefore, does not hold up as an excuse. These acts usually harm a relationship.
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The final Fourth Horseman is stonewalling. Stonewalling can be defined as the emotional withdrawal from interaction in order to avoid conflict. This occurs when your partner completely shuts down, tuning out a conversation; such a method, only allows for the development of resentments within a relationship offering no solution to the problems within it.
If you are not ready to have a conversation, instead of resorting to stonewalling, you should acknowledge that you are overwhelmed and take space from the topic (letting your partner know) until you feel that you can talk about it rationally, kindly, and attentively.
Antidotes:
1. Grasp why you are fearful of speaking with your partner. After recollection, become grounded in who you are and speak for yourself rather than choosing immediate withdrawal.
2. Differentiate between fear and actual danger in speaking up. Explain to your partner the possible reason you are withholding participation or information.
3. Create safety conditions and rules in the relationship to ensure you both feel comfortable speaking together. In this, you can set up specific talking times, implement confidentiality, etc.
4. If your partner is stonewalling, take a look at your own actions and influences that you may have had that may be preventing them from wanting to speak or express their opinion. Some reasons could be recent demonstrations of contempt, judgment, etc. Even if not the case, it is always important to self-reflect.
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The Gottman method is personalized for each couple. It involves conjoint and individual therapy or interview sessions with both partners. Additionally, the couple’s complete questionnaires that allow the therapist to gain perspective on the relationship in order to help provide feedback on the relationships stability and structure. Based on this, the clinician and the couple then decide the therapeutic framework including frequency and duration of sessions.
Afterwards, interventions are put in place that focus on improving and strengthening three principal aspects of the relationship including friendship, conflict management, and the creation of shared meaning. Through certain procedures, couples learn to replace negative conflict patterns with positive ones and relapse prevention is addressed.
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Gottman once said, “Although you may feel your situation is unique, we have found that all marital conflicts fall into two categories: Either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be part of your lives forever, in some form or another.”
With this, it has been found that 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual problems. In other words, many individuals suffer from problems in their relationship and thus can benefit from this method, even those couples that do not feel they have high conflict but simply want to understand their relationship at a deeper level.
Furthermore, it has been found that people from all walks of life can benefit from this form of therapy. For instance, studies, past and present, have shown the Gottman Method to be highly effective for all types of couples regardless of sexual orientation, socio-economic status, or cultural backgrounds. One example was a five year study done on same sex couples; this study measured relationship satisfaction for couples who were undergoing GMCT therapy and after multiple measurements, the data demonstrated significant improvement in relationship satisfaction after an initial eleven session of therapy.
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Overall, the Gottman Method has proven to help thousands of couples from all backgrounds, improving their overall relationship by addressing issues such as poor communication, emotional distance, sexual difficulties, infidelity, money, parenting, and argument frequency. If interested in the Gottman method for you and your partner, the Gottman Institute currently offers workshops, retreats, webinars, and more for couples, all that can be completed online or in person. Before starting, however, it is important to evaluate the level of commitment in the relationship. Only those who are willing to put in work should approach this method, as it can be rigorous and intense and takes practice outside of daily sessions.
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General Information Articles
PsychologyToday : The Gottman Method
Making Marriage Work | Video of Dr. John Gottman
Scholarly Articles
Results of Gottman Method Couples Therapy With Gay and Lesbian Couples
Effectiveness of Gottman Method Couples Therapy with Gay and Lesbian Couples
Estimating the Validity and Reliability of Gottman Questionnaires of “Couple Trust Measurement”